A Day In My Head

RIGHT NOW: HPA FTW

2010-07-12T19:53:00.000-04:00

Rest In Peace.

2009-11-11T08:19:00.003-05:00

I'm not one to think of Remembrance Day as anything extraordinary. I believe loved ones, friends, family, even enemies who had their own families should be remembered not only on one day of the year, but all year-round.

My grandmother was a photographer in the second world war. I'm proud to say she lived a healthy life, had healthy children, and healthy grandchildren. She's not with us any more, because she passed away a few years ago. But I don't only think of her on Remembrance day, I think of her from time to time, occasionally. I miss her.

My dad was somewhat of a "deck swabber" on the ships back in the day. I don't really know if he enjoyed it or not - I know he enjoys re-building model tanks and the whole technological aspect of World War II. But, I digress; Remembrance day should not only be celebrated one day of the year. I know it's for those sole, special soldiers that have fallen. We celebrate our victories and we mourn for the ones we have loved that have fallen in combat. I have nothing against this day. Personally, however, I believe we should keep in mind the faults of our loved ones so that we may learn from our mistakes.

And with that, however much I do dislike, maybe even hate the idea of going to war for any reason at all, I love you and salute you, kind soldier.

Rest in Peace Grandma Beatrice + Uncle Bobby.

This is new.

2009-06-23T22:40:00.002-04:00

So, for once I'm actually starting to dread the thought of cutting my hair. It's very, very unusual for me, seeing as how I usually don't mind so much until it's been cut - and then I'm a little sad, but I go "Oh well, it'll grow back." and get on with my life. But this time... Man, this time, I don't even know. I don't know why it's making me so... anxious and stuff. My hair's never been really important to me, but lately I guess it has been. I guess I should just get my mom to cut it. Even if I'm unhappy with it, it's mommy. She'll cut it, it'll be over with, and I'll be happy. I guess I'll just ask her to do it tomorrow for me, then, sometime in the morning. Which is nice, because she just agreed to do so.

So THAT'S what kind of porn you watch...

2009-06-23T20:37:00.001-04:00

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Links

2009-05-14T12:34:00.004-04:00

Links to Other stuff incase you get bored:

Flickr Account
Main Live Journal Account
Youtube Account
Blogger Account
Other Youtube Account
EpicTubers Youtube Channel
Mindzai
Other Live Journal Account
Yazz's Youtube Channel

All About Me.

2009-01-28T09:23:00.001-05:00

The first person I consider my true love is someone called Ben. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and really? I was reluctant at first. Eventually, I said yes. The whole: "What have you got to lose?" You may not know this about me, but from a very young age I decided whether I would want to break the person or not. I decided to do this with Ben. I decided that I was just going to "Fool Around" at that point, if you will - you know, tell him that I love him but not mean it.
Then I fell for him. One day, I just woke up and missed him. I came online, and he wasn't around. When he finally appeared on AIM, I clicked the little notification that said he had signed in. Up popped his screen name, and I said "Hi! ^^" in the cute-way that I do. It blew my mind away at first, and sometimes it still does. That plan utterly failed. Ben and I had an on-going open relationship. I never told anyone IRL, except for Brian. (Congratulations?) This lasted for a year and a half. And I fell in love with him.

He broke up with me two days before his birthday. I had this whole elaborate thing online planned out, too for his birthday. I was going to do something for him, call him up, tell him I loved him and wish him a happy birthday. Then he broke up with me when I was having a bad day. I didn't hate him, no. But I didn't like him for a while. This was while I was dating Cruz. End of Sec. 1, at Liz's water-party thingy? Yep.

We never did the long-distance calling thing. It was always online. And at one point, it ended up with me always waiting for him. I dated him again, maybe about a year after we broke up we got back together. We were talking one day, as friends. And he told me he missed me. I smiled and my heart did skip a beat - but not like it did with Seth when we were dating, or with Yazz. We had a pretty quick exchange. It went like this:
Him: "You know, I do kind of miss you."
Me: "Yeah... I miss you too. It's why I've been talking to you so much as of late. I noticed you've also been paying more attention to me, as well."
Him: "Yeah..."

I did still like him. Even if it was as a friend. But I got over him, relatively easily if I do say so myself after the first time. I stared at the screen for a good few minutes, wondering what my next move should be. And I figured: "Hell, Why not? It might be different this time around." So I asked if he wanted to go out again, and he went and said: "Sure. ^^"

He used Shift Six twice, much like Yazz does. I like shift six. It's why I asked Seth (I'm getting used to calling you that) to do it. But he wouldn't.

I wasn't BEAMING with Joy. Nor was I BEAMING with joy when Seth and I went out a second time. I knew that was going to end pretty soon. Anyway, this lasted for another 6 months again. I ended up waiting for him quite often again. Wait, was it 6 months or was it 8? Oh, who cares. During this period I think I was going out with people IRL. I just don't remember who. Safe to say I wasn't going out with anyone while I dated Adrian. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

Ben and I had apparently established an open relationship that I was not aware of the first time we were dating. Tragic? Not really. Sad? I was, a little. It would have been nice if he told me, but in a way I'm glad I wasn't told. It would not have been the same at all.

I wasn't dating Ben when I was dating Adrian. I might have been dating Ben a second time when I was dating Cruz. Yeah, both times. But I really liked Cruz the second time, and I cried when we broke up. I'm sorry if you hate me for "manning up" and telling you this through the form of a note, but this is the way I currently wish to express certain events.

I convinced myself that I loved Adrian. I did. For a day. And then I looked at myself in the mirror, and I couldn't do it. I can't break his heart. I can't mess with him, like I tried to do with Ben and Rob and Steven. It worked with Steven once - that was the two weeks to month we went out. (Sorry, hon) Messing with people, I've said it wasn't my forté... only because I've failed at it so many times. I've succeeded a number of times as well, don't get me wrong. And yes, it does make me feel good when I succeed. In anything, for that matter. I consider myself to be quite the failure in life - but I'm sure you've already known this if you've had talks with me. Yazz should know this. Brian should. Adrian should. Vince should have a hint. :P (Vince, we need to talk more about serious things when I'm feeling down. XD *hugs)

Karma's a bitch for getting back at me. But it's never really been horrible until Rob, actually. Oh, and yes, I decided I'd try and mess with Rob/Seth. (They are the same person. Look in tags.) I have said that I'm not the nicest person ever some times. And it's true, I'm not. Messing with Rob/Seth ended up like with Ben, except we were Exclusive. I wasn't dating anyone IRL at the time we were going out, and I didn't plan to. And then I went to Asia. Haha, big mistake. Well, not the biggest mistake of my life. I did think my cousin was hot, cute, and quite the dork. No where near as dorky as Seth himself or Yazz, or Adrian, or Vince, or Brian or anywhere near my friends IRL and online.

I must have forgotten to mention this, but did you know Ben was a swimmer? He had a really nice body after puberty stopped messing around with him. He's got a real dorky voice, at least last from what I've heard.

Ben and Rob, I dated by chance. I took a chance with them. And it was really, really nice. At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to fall in love with either of them. In fact, with Ben at first I was reluctant to even date him. I was thinking about it the night I went to bed, and almost convinced myself to tell him that I wasn't going to do it because he was a 'nice kid' and I didn't want to hurt him.

*Tilts her head* So much for that. Karma ended up hurting me when dating Ben. I'd wait on him, and he'd be around for five minutes - then he'd have to go again because he had friends or supper or a swim-meet. He was in Montréal one time while we were dating and I couldn't get in touch with him. I joked about the roads but he didn't get it. That was fail. Funny to me now, but fail.

If you asked me how many times I went off and had a cyber with someone while I was dating Ben, I couldn't give you an answer, because after it or in the middle of it I'd always stop and go: "I can't do this, sorry, I gotta go" and just leave the person hanging there. I didn't care, it was some random guy who's apparently always had a thing for me. He wasn't that into me though. I guess you could say I had a net fuck-friend. Haha! That sound so bizarre to me.

In between the two times I dated Ben, I dated Jon. He liked me. A fair bit younger than me, by 2 to 3 years, but he was a cutie. I ended up cybering with that "fuck-friend", and told Jon. He was mad at me. Oh boy was he furious. He's probably the one I could have ended up breaking if I wanted to. But I told him if he wanted to break up with me then he should. And he did after a few more days of me not trying. Which was completely OK with me.

I'm quite the player, if I do say so myself.

I say Karma hasn't done enough justice to me, but in retrospect I think it has. I don't feel as if it's done enough for all the supposed cheating, and lying I used to do. (It's no wonder I used to hate lying, but I do it again. Blah. =/) But I don't know how Karma works.

One time, I got horny. Decided to go to that net cybering friend that I had, again. It's like a drug, really. The worst kind you can do to yourself, though. You know what I did after I finished that session? I blocked him off MSN, Deleted him. I rarely signed onto AIM anyway. When I did, he messaged me asking if I had blocked him on MSN. I told him no, I did not. Talked to him a few times. Eventually blocked him on AIM. Apparently he had another account, though. I didn't know this. I didn't really care. He came to me with That account, same thing. "You're never online, though...." "Huh, really? that's weird... I don't sign onto AIM a lot anyway" "but on this account it says you do" and I was pretty cornered there, so I just went: "Oh. That's weird." and left it there. And he switched topic. After this exchange was done, somewhere down the line a few months later, I got horny again. And then I felt horrible right after I realized I was horny. I signed onto AIM, moused over his Screen name, deleted that and blocked it. And now I haven't talked to that person since. Thank-God, aye? Enough destroying myself.

I might be the player, but I'm rather bad at it. Messing with people is fun, but when I think of the consequences and repercussions, it becomes less fun a lot quicker. A lot quicker.

Did you know that it makes me feel a little bad inside when someone I like/love signs in and doesn't message me? I don't keep tabs any more, but if I start to feel as if I'm the only one messaging them, then there's something wrong. Happened with Ben and with Seth. Damn it, why do I keep calling you Rob, I was doing such a good job in the beginning.

Did you know?
I used to have a bigger, online 'sister' that I called "Kii-sama" or "Kii-chan", and I never knew her real name.
She used to help me through every thing I had wrong. I learnt from her. She wouldn't tell me what to do - she would tell me to decide what to do. I had to decide for myself. They may not have always been the right choice, or the better choice. But she was there, and she knew things. I looked up to her - hell, I think she was about 27 or so. I didn't even know her age. I guess that's why I trusted her so much. She was so mysterious to me, and she just gave off this motherly and big sister-like aura that I've never received from anyone else before.

Sure, I have a real big sister, but do you think I could have gone to her and asked her for advice about a boyfriend who lived in Rhode Island (at the time)? No, no I could not have. She would have ostracised me, looked at me weird, and the like. Now it's the norm for me, though. If I have a boyfriend and he lives far away, she's acceptable. She's come a long way from being my mother - and I am hella' thankful for that.

Kii-san was a big part of my life at one point. I would talk to her for advice, to find out how she was doing, all of that. She was so... plain, so normal. But so amazingly interesting to me. A regular house-wife? Not so. She knew herbal treatments. She knew which herbs would heal wounds quicker, which oils would help, etc. She was my ideal person for a good while. Obviously people change, and as much as I say I didn't, I did. Quite a few times throughout my life so far. She cooked, she cleaned... and she was a former marine. When I learnt that about her, I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. It was pretty cool. Kii-san really was the ideal person/mother I wanted to be for a while.

I don't know if I can consider it 'cheating' with Ben. I know it is, because I didn't tell him. But we had established an open relationship of some sorts. We knew nothing about other people except for ourselves. So, yeah, it was cheating, to a degree. Yes, I am trying to justify it to make myself feel a little better. Is it working? No, not really.

I don't read much. I used to love reading when I was a kid. Or, at least, being read to. I guess it's part of why I like watching things so many times. I'm pretty observant, apparently. I learn a lot from watching and observing (unless it's Math, coincidentally enough XD) I also enjoy watching from up close.

I don't consider myself a whore, or a slut. Do I actually consider myself a player, either? No, not really. Do I know that I used to be a horrible, horrible person? Yes, yes I do. Have I changed?

~~I don't know, you tell me.~~ Yes.

Memories Departed

2008-06-17T20:46:00.007-04:00

I didn't get to know my grandmother or my uncle very well. Both my grandfathers died before I was born. I was never attached to them. I didn't talk to them often, they even gave me the creeps a little bit. But, I guess the fact that they were family meant something to me. When my grandmother was in the hospital for any reason, I was always scared that she was going to pass-on. The eerie feeling you get out of being in a hospital... The paranoid thoughts that invade your mind the moment you step foot in that life-saving building. (A bit ironic, don't you think?) It would always freak me out when I would see a member of my family in a hospital bed. I was scared they would just... leave me, without me ever getting to say bye. It's selfish, I know.

I don't remember much about my grandma or uncle. Only what I hear from my mother, because my father does not talk about her often. I suppose he does not wish to be reminded that she is not here anymore. I remember my uncle breaking into my cousins' house one time, because he was around and needed a place to stay for a couple of days. My other uncle was pretty PO'ed about it, and that's about as much as I remember from that. My dad has always been pretty hospitable and so caring. One year, my uncle went on vacation with his wife. We all heard about it a little late. And then one day, his wife called various members of our family... (and that was that.) He died of a heart-attack during his vacation. Three to four years prior to those phone calls, we had no contact with them. The day of the funeral arrives, and everyone was crying. It was the first death I had ever experienced. I didn't understand it. Why was everyone so sad? Why did I feel this way? I was in grade 7 at the time, and about a week after it happened, I was sitting in Math class with a substitute teacher, and I just... put my head down on my desk and started crying. (It was a messy day and week for a lot of people at school, a friend of a large number of our community had died that week.) I was crying in front the whole class, and I didn't really understand why. And then it hit me... I knew it was because I had finally grasped the concept of death. I'd never be able to see him again. I never even got to say good-bye. He was on vacation.

My grandmother died in her sleep. February 17th, 2004... A month or so before that, she was in the hospital because of something else. (I don't remember - I think it was a cold, it wasn't too serious but they wanted to keep her there for observation.) I was scared she was going to leave soon, but I didn't say anything. She was a very strong woman, from what I know. She was a photographer in the Royal Womens Air Force. I never got to say good-bye to her, too. To this day, I still don't think I truly grasp the concept of death. You leave, just like that. There has to be more, right? I mean, you can't just up and leave and never come back. You always have contact with someone that you know, especially if it's family.

When I was in the Philippines last December (December '07), my grandmother on my mothers' side ended up in the hospital. I had to go visit her. I was frowned upon a few times for going: "I already went to the hospital" when asked if I wanted to go, or would like to. I understand why, and I prayed for her well-being. The day we left, she got out of the hospital... but she was alright. I just never got to say goodbye to my uncle and grandmother, and to this day, I still refuse to say good-bye to anyone I meet. It's always "See you soon", or "See you later" with everyone, simply because I'm scared that if I do say bye, I'll never get to see them again. Time we spent together when I was too young to remember. The time that my father, my mother, cousins, aunts and uncles knew them, all longer than I... yet I still feel as if it were just yesterday they left. And I think the worst part is that, now, all that remains of them are memories of the departed ones.
Thanks to Zachary, my cousin, for helping out with this post.

Thanks

2008-05-09T09:49:00.002-04:00

A quick thanks to Chris for helping me out yesterday, guess I just had to wait it out. Visit his site, located right here. :)

What Changes In Time

2008-05-08T22:08:00.006-04:00

Yeah, I remember it. I remember when we were passing the train tracks that one day. I was a little kid, curious about why the train tracks were there in the first place. I didn’t even have to say anything for my dad to understand what I wanted to know. I took a short stop, and started picking a few things up from the train tracks, just about whatever was around there. Mostly rocks and old debris from the track were found lying around. I had to put some of them back on the ground, due to the fact that they were pieces of rubbish. My dad started explaining things to me about the train tracks. How they used to run throughout Montréal, and how he thought they would’ve been better placed on different streets than the ones they are on now.

Now, if I go take a look at the train tracks, it’s not the same. It could be, but it won’t. It will never be the same. Most of the tracks around the city are desolate... void of their partner, the train itself. They stopped working some time before I was born. There are still some trains running, but it is all cargo. If you want to take a ride on a train, it’s all fancy and spruced up with the times of today. What if I want to take a trip to the past? What if I want to one day, go back to the train tracks and watch a train pass by, like kids... not even kids, like people used to do? They used to be such an amazing feat in technology, and now...?

One time, I’m going to go back to the train tracks. In fact, I still live near a bunch. But they are no-where as near as spectacular as they used to seem; they are even more magnificent. I’m going to go back there with my dad, and ask the same questions I did when I was a child. Those questions? “Daddy, how long did the trains run for? How much of the tracks cover this place?” They are so simple... yet the answers that come from them can be so much more than initially expected.

Sometimes I wish I was born earlier on in the 20th century, so that I could have experienced movements, and actually understand them instead of just reading about them all the time.

I don't get it.

2008-05-05T14:35:00.002-04:00

How could I possibly have so much fun swinging? It doesn't make any sense to me. I never had that much fun swinging unless it was with my dad and we were at the park when I was a younger kid - and I didn't go on the swings often after he taught me how to swing myself, 'cause he would never push me after that. He'd always tell me: "You know how to do it yourself." and I'd get discouraged swinging, so I just stopped enjoying it so much.

Last Friday, when we went to Quincy's, we stopped at the park near his place - and it was just the 4 of us, Quincy, Dwayne, Adrian and I. We weren't doing anything except being teenagers in a park... but we were like little kids. Quincy was climbing up the swing set pole, Dwayne was walking around the swings and took a seat on one of 'em and started swinging, Adrian was swinging as well. I hesitated for a moment to ask if someone would push me, with good reason. But I went ahead and asked. At first it seemed like no one was going to, and I got a little down and started slowing down on the swing, but then Quincy went: "I'll push you" and I smiled. He started pushing me and I was going higher and higher, and then... for some reason I just started laughing. A lot. Laughing and giggling like a little baby being tickled by their parents. Now that I think about it, I'm really wondering... how did I have so much fun just swinging like that? That hadn't happened in years... and a good amount of years, at that. I was as giggly as I had ever been, if not maybe even more. I don't understand it though. It was... amazing. It really was pure bliss, and I haven't the slightest clue why, or how it was achieved. All I was doing was sitting on a tiny bench attached to two metal chains that were hanging from a very large pole, being pushed and swinging back and forth, yet it was the most fun I had had in being a teenager, ever.

Maybe I'm just not cut-out for real-people-big-stuff yet. Or maybe I'm just a little kid in a big kid's body, dreaming' big. Who knows.

I'm short. I don't touch the ground when I'm sitting on park benches or chairs sometimes, and I can jump on my bed still. How many of you big people can do that?